We are home from vacation, and now that the laundry is done, I need a vacation. It’s easier to forget about things like breast cancer when you’re thinking about things like the number of fish in the ocean.

Myrtle Beach is a chaotic tourist trap– and I loved it. It’s the perfect place for a girl who’s trying to forget about cancer. I was so caught up in buttery crab legs and saltwater taffy and t-shirt shops that I almost forgot that I still have to face the beast.

This Wednesday, Saul and I will report back to THE JAMES (yep, still in capitals because it’s still imposing) to find out if I will need to have chemo. I see it as the appointment where the medical oncology team either tells me that I’ve won the battle or that it’s actually only half-time. I know… it’s probably not going to be that simple, but that’s how I choose to see it.

I slept in my own bed last night for the first time in a week and it was awful. I dreamed of a jaguar hiding in a tree, waiting to pounce on my family. And then I dreamed someone took every single Kindness is Contagious column I’ve ever written, printed them off and wrote nasty things all over them in pink highlighter. Anxious, Nic?

This morning, I stepped out of the shower as a song by Casting Crowns came on the radio called, Broken Together. I was staring in the mirror when it started out with the line, “What do you think about when you look at me?” This song is about a couple having a tough time in a relationship, but for some reason, it unleashed weeks of pent-up tears… What do you think about when you look at me?

The rest of the song was a blur. I sat down on the edge of the tub and sobbed into my towel. What’s going to happen? Is it going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? Will my family be able to handle it if this is indeed only half-time?

Then I stood up, put on every piece of glittery jewelry I own (hoping it would distract from my single boob-ness), and I went to church.

I don’t know what’s next. But God knows. And for today, that will have to be enough, because the vacation is over.