I’m worried I’m losing my brave. It’s April and the countdown is on. My next surgery is 22 days away. On Tuesday, April 26th, I’ll go back to THE JAMES to have the expander in my left breast removed and a more permanent silicone implant installed. While I’m under, the reconstructive surgeon will also lift my right breast to make it match the left. So, basically, crudely, I’m getting mastectomy reconstruction and a boob job.

The expander hasn’t been too much of a problem, but it will be a relief to have it out. It’s not painful, but it is as hard as a rock. I saw my sister yesterday for the first time since the breast cancer diagnosis and the first thing I did was make her touch my fake breast. She really didn’t want to, but I made her. When else will she get to feel a human science experiment in the making? I offered to let her see it, but she declined. I didn’t push it, because I know she’ll see plenty when I publish all of the pictures in a book along with this blog and then force her to buy it.

I’m looking forward to wearing a regular bra again. Right now I rotate between a black sports bra and a white sports bra, because they are the only undergarments that give the illusion of my breasts being horizontal. Oh! Have I never mentioned that my breasts are at two different spots on my body? The young one is near my chin and the old one is down by my belly button. That surgeon has his work cut out for him.

Speaking of the surgeon, I see him on Wednesday for a final pre-op appointment. I’ll spend the day at THE JAMES learning what to expect for the surgery and recovery. I’ll also get a mammogram on the healthy breast to make sure cancer hasn’t developed in that tissue.

I feel like my brave is still in the same room, it’s just not inside of me right now. Have you ever felt that way? Like you should be brave and perhaps you’re overreacting, but it’s just not lining up? Would you pray about that for me? And maybe if you have extra, I could borrow your brave for a bit? I’m sure mine will be back once May arrives.