Saul came to bed about 1 in the morning last night. My first mistake was saying “Hey Babe.” My second mistake was answering him in a complete sentence when he asked if I was awake.
Throughout our marriage, some of the best conversations we have ever had have come in the wee small hours of the morning. Last night was no exception. I can’t even remember what we talked about, but I know it was good. It was a balm for both of our weary souls.
Let’s see what I can remember…
I told him I knew I wasn’t going to die, but I had picked out his next wife anyway. She is a single girlfriend of mine whom I adore who lives in Fargo. Saul was not impressed with my preparedness, but it did get us laughing when we started talking about who he would choose as my next husband.
We giggled about the numerous times during the day that we had played the “C” card. Like when I needed to get into my extremely busy hair stylist. I texted her and said: “So, I have breast cancer. If you could get me in before we take pictures on Friday that would be great. If not, please don’t worry about it. I’ll just be grateful I have hair.” It turns out Saul forgot his appointment with his barber this week, and so he called and said the same basically the same thing. Both stylists got us right in.
Then my mother-in-law was trying to talk me through how to reseal my granite countertops. I didn’t feel like talking about it, so I interrupted her with “I have breast cancer. I’m not going to do that.” Good thing my mother-in-law already knew I had breast cancer or that would have been a really rude way to break the news.
Speaking of breaking the news, Saul is calling everyone he has ever known since he was five. It’s good for him, I think, saying it over and over again. It makes us more immune to the word cancer. He says it’s a total buzz kill to a conversation though. No one really wants to light heartedly banter back and forth after that.
I’m kind of sick of my phone. Calls, texts, emails… I’m feeling very loved and very exhausted by the end of the day. I wouldn’t want people NOT to contact me, but sometimes I have put my phone in the other room and just let it go for a while.
I prayed a while back that Saul and I would begin to pray together. Last night, while we were lying in bed holding hands in the dark, I said, “God, please heal me of breast cancer. Amen.” Then Saul said, “God, thank you for this interesting trip into the world of cancer. Would you please let us off now at the nearest exit? Amen.” I was so proud of him. I told him we needed to pray with gratitude for all the blessings God would give us through this experience– especially those unseen blessings– and then I had totally forgotten to do it! I’m thankful he listens to me once in a while.
If God heard our conversation last night (and let’s be honest, I’m sure He did), I’m certain His favorite part was when Saul and I recounted all the blessings in the timing of this cancer:
*Had it come 5 or 10 years ago, I would have given in to all my indulgences and addictions and given up on any chance of healing.
*Had it come in Fargo, we might not have decided not to move to Athens
*Had it come in Fargo while Saul was already in Ohio, we wouldn’t have been together for the news.
*Had it come 10 months ago, I would have been too new to Athens to have a support system in place.
*Had it come at other points in our married life, we wouldn’t have had the money to travel for treatments.
*Since I vaguely remember feeling the lump in Fargo (but truly thought it was just part of my breast), Saul said, maybe we needed to come to Athens to meet Dr. Peggy. Maybe God gave her the power to feel it when the rest of us couldn’t.
*And then Saul totally melted my heart when he reminded me that he has known me for a long time — and therefore has known quite a few different versions of me. He pointed out that I have never been more physically or spiritually prepared for a battle as I am right now.