“It’s only breast cancer.” That’s what I wrote in a text message to a girlfriend. I wasn’t trying to be flippant or funny. It’s true. When I start to feel sorry for myself, I remind myself, “It’s only breast cancer.”
My kids are happy, my husband is healthy (and we love each other which is a total bonus), I get to live in a beautiful house, I have food in the fridge and some money in the bank, and no one is shooting at us through the windows. So come on. Buck up. Things could be a lot worse.
In response to my one-liner, she sent an emoticon. You know, those tiny yellow faces that tell people how we feel? Actually, she sent all the emoticons. Then she followed up by saying something like, “Oh crap. I’m sending them all. They all seem to fit.”
And just like that, I knew someone else got it! I feel every single emoticon possible within a 24 hour time span.
This morning, I was the angry face because my husband woke me up with his snoring. Then I thought about how dumb it was to be mad at him and I became all lovey with heart-shaped eyes. Right now, I’m feeling a lot like the cool chill guy with the black sunglasses on. Based on my emotional history from yesterday, I expect I’ll also be laughing, crying, crying while laughing, stormy face, hospital mask, tongue out, halo, and sleepy.
Gosh, I sound like I’m channeling the seven dwarfs… sleepy, sneezy, grumpy, happy, bashful dopey, and doc. Yep, that’s pretty much me in a nutshell.
Yes, it’s good to feel things and natural to express yourself, but I’ve worked really hard to get to a place where instead of spewing out my less desirable emotions onto others, I turn to God and give Him a moment to renew my mind so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But man, this cancer thing is revealing stuff in me that I didn’t know existed. It’s is a whole new ball game and God’s got a whole lot more work to do on me. Good thing He promised not to stop until He finished. This could take a while. 😉