Let’s Talk About Boob Jobs

My friend called me “classy” yesterday, and she didn’t even say it sarcastically. I’m thinking she doesn’t know me very well…

I started to laugh and told her I had never been accused of being classy before. I have indeed been accused of being the exact opposite, but that’s another story hidden in the closet with the rest of my skeletons.

Classy is a real compliment, but it makes me wiggle because it seems like a lot to live up to. I just want to be authentic. So today, I’m bringing the real. Let’s talk about boob jobs.

Now, if that’s a little too crass for you, feel free to substitute the words “Breast Augmentation” for boob job. You say tomato, I say tomahto.

Thanks to last summer’s fling with breast cancer, I have recently undergone a boob job. I’m two weeks out of the surgery and here are some initial thoughts and perhaps suggestions, should you ever find yourself considering this (sometimes) elective surgery.

  1. Don’t do it. It hurts. Okay, if you really want to do it and you think it’ll make you feel more confident in your own skin, do whatever you want to do. I’m not here to judge. I’m just here to tell you it hurts. The left side (which was reconstructed because of the mastectomy) is just a bit sore. Those nerves are all dead anyway. The right side (my healthy side that got a cosmetic lift) is constantly howling about something. Aching, throbbing, hyper-sensitive, ugh, it’s such a baby.***
  2. Renovate your kitchen to better accommodate Little People. I’m not allowed to lift my arms above my shoulders. Every glass, every plate and many food items are above my reach zone. It’s very humbling to ask your 6 year old to crawl up on the counter to get you a coffee mug and the hidden box of chocolates.
  3. Move to a town that does online grocery shopping. This has been tricky. I am a control freak, so I like to do the grocery shopping. If I write Ben & Jerry’s on the list, I know that means New York Super Fudge Chunk, NOT Chunky Monkey. Does anyone else in the house know that? They’re learning. The grocery store poses a big problem because it feels very intimidating after surgery. I can’t reach anything off the high shelves, I’m not allowed to lift a bag of groceries or even a full gallon of milk, and once I get it into my car, I can’t get it into my house. Saul and I went grocery shopping together the other day. It was like a date. My husband is so sexy when he grocery shops.
  4. Prepare to be patient. It’ll still be about 4-6 weeks before I can see the final shape and size of my new breasts. At that point I’ll have to decide 1) if I want to do further renovations (NOOOOOO!!!) and 2) what type of nipple reconstruction I’m up for. We’ll talk about those options at a later date. See? I always keep you hungry for more…
  5. Clear your calendar. This is one we should all probably do once in awhile. I’ve basically taken off the entire month of May. No volunteering, no lunch dates, nothing planned in advance. I just wake up each morning and see what I have the energy to do. I understand this is a huge luxury and could only be accomplished with the help of a husband who still feels badly that his wife had cancer and is therefore willing to drive the kids everywhere they need to go. I wish I was feeling better, I do. But after talking it over with the doctor yesterday, I was reminded that I won’t be able to care for my family again until I get serious about caring for myself. That includes a prescription for eating healthy, drinking lots of water, forcing myself to go to bed at night, and taking daily walks. I kind of think that’s a pretty good prescription for all of us.

So there you go. Now you have the facts according to Nicole. I have pictures, but you’ll have to buy the book if you want to see those. Stay classy, folks.

***Tip for dealing with painful hyper-sensitive nerve issues in your nipples: stand in front of a mirror three times a day and do exactly what you don’t want to do. Touch them. Seriously. That’s what my Physician Assistant told me to do. You have to confront the pain head on and let those nipples know who’s boss. OUCH!!!!

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